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God, How I Fell
I
flick my cigarette over the edge, and watched the orange tip tumble end
over end
Then I join it
One foot in front of the other, just like walking
But there was only one step to take
The rush, like walking blindly onto a descending staircase
Releasing butterflies in your abdomen when your foot doesn’t catch the
ground
Only air
Air, and air, and air
And pavement below
I had planned on screaming, but I can’t find my breath
The wind whips my hair behind me
This sensation is the best I’ve ever felt
But it will be the last
I see three cars below, tan, blue, and green
And wonder if I’ll dent one of them
Will I bounce?
My first and last flight, all rolled into one
A vertical fall that I’ll never duplicate
Some onlookers have gathered, curious to see the end of a life
When the flashing lights had come, I decided I would wait
Until they almost had the big balloon in place
Give them something to talk about on the news
“Who was he?” they’ll ask
And when they find out, they’ll probably be glad it happened
Probably be glad they saw it
Probably wish more of us would have the same idea
There’s Channel Four, with their cameras
I’m sure the image of my descent will make the news for a long time
But I’ll bet the letter I mailed to them yesterday won’t
It’s almost over
I should have picked a taller building
I try to roll so that I hit head first, like I planned
So there is no question, no possible mistake
One woman’s gaze catches mine for a split second
I hope she knows that I saw her
Then there’s the pavement, and the bumper of the little green car
I barely caught that bumper with my shoulder
My head popped like a balloon, and scattered itself on the concrete of
the sidewalk
My spine collapsed through it, a tumbling tower of ivory blocks
My legs spread so that one tagged the hood of the little car
One went straight to the ground
Like a game of Twister
I didn’t hear the gasps of the crowd
I never got to see them relive their dinners
I never had to hear my family cry
I never got to enjoy my freedom
But God, how I fell
September 14, 2000
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